You made me cry and you don't even care
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
