I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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