If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
