Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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