At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
