How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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