Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
