I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
