dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
