I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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