just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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