she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
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