I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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