I haven't been this sober since birth.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I need a beard to bite.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
