I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
