I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
