I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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