Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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