his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
