I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
