Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
not ubering you a puppy
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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