my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
