You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
