I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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