I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
