My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Who did Billy Mays play for?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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