i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
