The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
