I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
