Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
