Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Randomize
