Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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