It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
