i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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