If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
