We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
