Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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