i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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