why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
