My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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