You don't have asthma, your pregnant
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
You smell like a Billy Joel song
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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