Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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