I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
