I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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