I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize