I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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