Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
