oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
