Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
