We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
