Tell her she can't have a vagina
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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