do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
