my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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