i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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