Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Success! We fucked roommates!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
