I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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