yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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