i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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